Assumptions Are Often Unhealthy

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Symptoms of the pattern that’s trying to rest or stop are often linked to a prior event in your life or the lives of your ancestors. Be curious rather than anxious as you go on the hunt for a pattern. Don’t push anything away. Lean into it and understand it. You are literally a living creator of your heaven and hell and a repository of centuries of other people’s heavens and hells. They’ve found their way into your life in the hopes that you will see them and realize that you are the change agent. The pattern is probably filled with dos and don’ts, warnings, and hidden loyalties. After all, that’s what’s kept it active and alive. However, one simple question really cuts to the chase, revealing the pattern’s relevancy. Is this serving me now? This isn’t the golden bullet, but it is the door opener. If it’s not serving, then the next logical systemic question is, What would serve me now? This question is followed by, What needs to happen for this to stop or change? I am, quite frankly, stunned and fascinated by humans’ inherent need to obey and not ask questions at the cost of their happiness and evolution. I cannot tell you the number of clients I’ve worked with who tell me that their parents or spouses or bosses were a certain way, and it was just best to not ask about what they said or did.

Isn

Isn't That Peculiar

Instead, they jumped to inaccurate conclusions and made the other person’s words and actions mean that there was something wrong with themselves. Yet with a simple question or two, they realize that they were way off base and have suffered for years for no good reason. You know what you did wrong! Uh, no, I don’t. But based on the look on your face, I may not want to find out! Assumptions are often unhealthy, but we make them all the time. I worked with Keith, a client who had severe digestive challenges brought on by stress induced by bottling things up. When I asked why he didn’t just discuss what was bothering him, he looked at me as though I’d lost my mind and told me, We don’t speak about difficult subjects in our family. It’s not polite. As a child he had been rewarded with his parents’ attention when he sucked it up and never asked for something he wanted. His father had grown up wanting to please his father, who was stoic and insisted upon the same from his children, admonishing them not to be needy. Any emotion or request was viewed through the needy lens, and it became a lovely way to get everyone to toe the line. Deep conversations weren’t allowed. Everyone assumed they knew what everyone else was thinking.

Surprise, Surprise

It was a muddle, and no one was happy. For Keith, his body was making him pay! Tired of being in pain, he was ready to put down all the excuses and look at what needed to stop or change. So, what’s the worst thing that might happen if you were to speak out? I asked. He realized that his parents weren’t about to disown him and that they would likely get over their disapproval. He realized that there was room for both kindness and manners and speaking up and having what he desired. He could see how the old pattern had served him and give it a place in his heart and awareness while also acknowledging that he needed and wanted to do things differently and take his place as a change agent in his family system. He also realized there were some parts of the old pattern that served him and were worth keeping. His silence had made him really good at active listening. He discovered that there was a lot that he’d wanted in life, and this new way of thinking activated a whole different set of neural networks in his brain. He began designing his thoughts, feelings, and actions to fit what he wanted to have and how he wanted to be. As Keith was no longer bottling up his fears, joys, ideas, and desires, or fearing rejection, his stomach and digestive system problems eased within months. At work his associates reported feeling safer around his leadership as a result of his ability to articulate his needs and desires clearly.

Heaven Can Wait

At home his children were first puzzled and then, as he put it, liberated. They asked so many questions that his head spun, and he had to put the brakes on some of the many wants. But it was clear a door had opened, and an old systemic pattern had been broken. Systemic work and constellations is like any other transformational approach. You can use it to blame and shame or to flow and grow. The more you learn to speak this language fluently and use it first for yourself, the wiser you become. You are a being in search of evolution. Be wise with the patterns you identify and stop so you can be equally wise with the ones you create. The first step is understanding that your symptoms are gold and respecting them as part of a pattern that wants to stop and also as part of your system. But learning to spot patterns can be a little trickier than it may seem. Symptoms don’t always arrive with clear issues attached. Identifying your real issue and what keeps you stuck is a process. Sometimes what seems to be the obvious issue behind a symptom isn’t the issue at all. Maybe a vague uneasiness hits you every morning as you open your eyes. Maybe there is a depression as you finish your work at night. Perhaps there’s a relationship that just doesn’t leave you feeling good about yourself. However slight or acute your symptoms may be, most people believe that their feelings and the issues they point to can never be resolved. It’s just the way life is now.