Look For The Gifts

I’ve known a lot of wonderful men in my life, including my husbands, who were smart, affectionate, decent men. Is there a way for your stepfather to have a place in your heart? Is there something good that he did? Well, he insisted that I be raised on a farm, she said, smiling. He had it in his head that the only place to raise a child was in the country, so I have him to thank for thirteen incredible years spent living out in nature, riding horses, and having a ball. Being raised on that farm was my salvation and set the tone for the rest of my life. Score one for the idiot. Understanding that she had emulated her mother’s pattern of leaving men simply because there was no spice in the relationship, she was able to open up to the possibility of having an intimate relationship and set about imagining what kind of man would interest her and keep her engaged. She became acutely aware that she could have spice and nice without abuse. See how using systemic questions to explore your issue works? When Catherine came to me with her issue, Why am I always dissatisfied with the men I pick? the obvious starting point for questions was about men and relationships and her thoughts on those subjects. The line of questioning developed naturally from there in response to what showed up. If you’re working on an issue by yourself, be as present and thoughtful as you can when developing your questions, and then be as candid as you can in your answers. It helps to record rather than write your answers because we tend to be more spontaneous and truthful when speaking than when we write. Then listen to your replies and ask questions about them.

An Everlasting Dream

You’ll know when you’ve struck gold. Another thing to do while exploring your issue is to be sure to look for the gifts in your journey. For Catherine, it was hard to imagine there was a gift to be found in having been raised in an abusive family situation fraught with alcoholism and violence. And the gifts didn’t stop there. Her mother’s chosen lot in life, trapped at home with an abuser, had ignited in Catherine a determination to get out in the world, pursue a television career, travel, and live a happy, joyful life . Finally understanding the systemic roots of her original issue, Why am I always dissatisfied with the men I pick? she developed a new set of systemic sentences to live by. Look, Grandma and Grandpa! I can be happy and embrace the goodness and beauty life offers! I can take my full place and uplift my life and the lives of others to make this world a better place, and I can have a relationship that is kind and spicy. Men are lovely and welcome! What a turnaround. But there are times when I am working with a client where we may not get the full sense of what is going on until we set up a constellation and step into the 3D version of the issue. The same thing may happen for you. The point of creating a constellation is to dimensionalize and bring your issue to life and engage multiple senses so you can see, touch, stand in, hear, and sense what is happening. Placing the representative tokens on the floor in a room is helpful.

What In The World

You want to experience a felt sense of the situation so your body, brain, and mind can process and rewire your new thoughts, feelings, and actions. Remember, mind and body are not separate. When your body experiences a constellation, it gives your mind a new frame of reference. A new view of things can instantly change your entire mindset and thus your reality. The trouble with trying to work issues out in our heads the way we are accustomed to doing is that we can’t perceive things like direction, connections, distance, engagement, and relationships between each part of the system. We also can’t view the system from multiple vantage points. All these dimensional pieces give insights and invite questions and mindful reassessment of our thoughts, feelings, and actions about the originating event that created our issue. A constellation creates embodied experiences that take you where you want to go. And there is no one who can’t do this. I didn’t do a constellation with Catherine because the foundations for her issue were clear just from systemic questioning. But if we had done so, here are the different kinds of constellations I might have suggested she set up. Again, this is to give you an example of what you can do at home to clarify your own issue.

Deep Deep Feeling

Why am I always dissatisfied with the men I pick? An intimate relationship I am happy with. To whom does this pattern of dissatisfaction belong, where did it start, and how do I change it? Set up a constellation of all the men in your life. Be sure to include a representative for yourself. Look for patterns and relationships. Set up a constellation with you, your family, and all the men in your life. Look at the relationships not only between men and women but also between women and women and men and men in the multigenerational pattern that has you stuck. If there’s enough information, set up a constellation of your mother and all the men in her life. Once you’ve set up the constellation, look for relationships. Who is close to whom, and who is farther away? Links, relationships, and patterns begin to emerge along with those pesky little jailers, our unconscious loyalties. I have women who tell me men don’t stick around in relationships only to find that a man in their family system left, or was lost. You can’t depend on a man, they all disappear. Then generations of women are loyal to that saying and, in effect, to that first woman who lost her man.