Tiny Hands Have Filth And Disease On Them

The folding mechanisms on strollers are complicated, and each brand is different. Or you’ll try all of them in quick succession. Like many things in parenting, it’s good to have a plan, any plan. And the Having of the Plan is more important than the Plan Itself. For our daughter, we basically chose the middle path, nuancing her into eventual sleepy submission. Here’s a handy guide. Kick the middle thing up. Kick the side thing down. Push the whole thing down until that side thing clicks. Pull the latch on the side. Push the kicking thing off. Step on the side tab.

Here, There and Everywhere

Go to town on the top until it folds. Pull the strap toward you while pushing the bottom with your foot. Foot the stepping strap. Stretch the side latch. Unfold until it snaps in two. Throw this away in the garbage like a broken umbrella. Or you went to church and doodled until your parents gave up on you. And now here you have a tiny baby. Because if she’s cool, she probably won’t hold it against your child if they’re not baptized or indoctrinated right away. Opinions vary so wildly that I choose to believe that she either exists and is cool or that she does not exist. If you want, do some stuff to get people off your back, baptize away, knowing that a little water on a baby’s head won’t kill anyone. Deciding what you actually believe is a tough task that I have been avoiding for years.

None But The Brave

Soul searching is hard, especially when you have a tiny baby screaming at you. She keeps popping up, especially around the holidays. In my household, we’ve had many conversations about the various religions my daughter has encountered in Brooklyn. Don’t squander this valuable time by neglecting to post about it. Carefully pose your child to showcase the total spontaneity of your new life. Take a break, get them wondering if you ever even had a kid, then flood the zone with a blast of kid pics. People will love your brave and honest post. Make sure to have people hold your baby so you can tag them. Now back way up and get one of those wistful oh look at the child all by herself pictures. Or your parents may keep trying to save your child even though you are a lost cause. We’ll see how serious she is when we get to the goat sacrifice. Maybe no other question is so important to your sanity, you lush.

Its Hard To Be

It’s a controversial subject. There’s no clear answer and strong opinions abound. Babies in bars are annoying. More annoying than the sorority girls in the corner taking selfies? Anyway, bars are basically a gathering spot for annoying people. No one wants to hear a baby crying in a bar. No one wants to hear jocks chanting about a sportsball game, but they put up with it. No one wants to hear Billy Joel on the jukebox, but they put up with it. When I didn’t have a kid, I thought it was horrible to bring a baby to a bar. Aren’t I being a hypocrite if I bring my baby in now? When you didn’t have a kid, you thought babies didn’t belong in all sorts of places. And you thought that parents were sad losers, desperately trying to hang onto a shred of their former social lives. Children should not be around sin, loose behavior, and partying. They yell, shove random things in their mouths, and throw up a lot. I’d rather go to the bar without my baby. If wishes were fishes. I don’t want to be the only one with a baby in a bar. At some point, you will introduce solid food. Wouldn’t that be a thing? I’d be like, Hey, buddy, give Ma a break! New parents have a lot of anxiety about introducing solids, but it’s really no big whoop. Solid foods get introduced slowly, to get your baby used to the idea that food isn’t always a drink. So first, you do mushy, creamy stuff. Then, when they eventually have teeth, you do more solid material. The whole thing is starting to make sense, right? Back in the old days, you’d do ipecac, then straight cocaine, then Old Wives’ Barley. Sorry pal, I don’t know what you’re gonna do with all that Old Wives’ Barley. Those prunes will come in handy because your baby is going to get backed up a bit now that his food is changing. Yeah, poop will get. If you’ve been one of those horrible parents bragging about how your baby’s poo doesn’t stink, get ready to eat some crow. Like many developmental milestones, you’ve got to keep your cool and not worry about it too much. Some will eat solids faster than others. And don’t be worried if your child never develops a taste for kale. Sure, you used to be like that, but it’s getting hard to remember what it was like to be so lost. All diapers have poo in them. Baby’s privates should not be seen in public, even though they are just little babies and there is a diaper emergency. Screaming babies and children are not just the way things are all the time. Tiny hands have filth and disease on them, transferable to everything they touch. Running is an outdoor activity, not a restaurant/library/museum/grocery store activity. Pounding on things with other things is not music. If a baby screams for a toy, then drops the toy, then screams for the toy, then gets the toy, then drops the toy, then perhaps the baby should not get the toy again. Maybe toy time is over. Parents are old, sad People that they will never become. Luckily, dads can cry now. They’re supposed to cry. This is where the real mental work of maintaining your sanity begins. He’s like a real person with opinions, questions, and a personality. Toddlers can walk! Wanting, but not getting.