Early Experiences Of Connection

It may become a journey that is powerful far beyond finding a partner to create a home with or getting your daily needs met. Instead, the health of your union comes down to how you handle conflicts when they do arise. Many people discover there is a spiritual dimension to this work. Eventually, you may find yourself aligning energetically with a universal source of love and support so much greater than you even believed possible, a connection you will begin to see reflected in the quality of all your relationships. When you set out to cultivate healthy romantic relationships, make no mistake, you are setting out on a path that can lead to spiritual transformation. Entered from a place of inner stability, our relationships can be a pathway to understanding ourselves as spiritual beings, connected to all that is. As people become closer to each other, they gradually feel safe enough to reveal more of their inner worlds, including parts of themselves they’re afraid their partners may not like. Perhaps one person begins to show that he or she gets frustrated about certain things. At this time of increased vulnerability, the ways each of them learned to love and be loved as children begin to stir within them. And the emotional pacts they made the last time they felt this vulnerable, in early childhood, become an important part of the relationship. If you think about it, every interaction we perform throughout our day involves some kind of exchange. Whether it’s paying for groceries in the store, showing up for work in exchange for a salary, or trading gossip with our friends, every investment of our time, energy, or cold, hard cash is made with the expectation that we will receive something in return.

Just In Time

This doesn’t make us calculated, manipulative, or greedy. It’s just the way the world works. The same way the trees breathe in carbon dioxide and pump fresh oxygen back out into the atmosphere, giving and receiving is a part of life. Seen this way, it makes sense that this dynamic also forms the basis of our romantic relationships. While a mutual exchange of understanding, support, and unconditional love is what we all want when we enter into a contract with a potential life partner, our capacity to experience this is profoundly impacted by our childhood experiences and the attachment style we have developed as a result. Since connection is a biological imperative, we devote all of our energy to staying as attached to our parents as we can. This is the origin of the emotional pact we bring into our intimate relationships. Let’s look more closely at how these get established. We are so open and vulnerable in our earliest days, and so dependent on the support of our caregivers. By the time we’re one year old, we have already developed patterns of interaction with our parents based on how they are able to be with us. If our parents can sense our needs, if they can be warmly curious about who we are as little beings, welcoming every part of us, if they are able to respond to us when we reach out, we are on the way to being securely attached. This ingrains the expectation that we will be met, valued, and supported in relationship with others.

Any Which Way But Lose

Clearly, we are lovable. Rather than being based on a thought or belief, this knowing is generated by the feelings in our bodies in relationships. It might include warmth in the chest, a relaxed belly, a general sense of openness, and easy laughter. It will also include tears that are met with concern, validation, and help. But some parents are too wounded to provide that kind of care. If one or both of our parents are anxious, they may be able to be with us sometimes, but they will get pulled away by their own inner upset unexpectedly and frequently. This unpredictability leaves us not knowing when they will next disconnect from us, making us frightened and hypervigilant. When we are young, we soon learn which of our behaviors lead to our parents’ disappearances and begin to suppress those parts. With no thought involved at all, we can begin to stop ourselves from healthy expressions of joy or sadness or anger in the effort to keep our parents with us. We bring this legacy into our adult relationships, tucked away in our subconscious, until it becomes activated with the prospect of intimacy. Now, everything we never learned about how to connect rises to the surface. Kids whose parents are wrapped up in their careers, and who value good behavior and success above all else, also learn early on that relationships aren’t important compared to being able to do well in the world.

Put A Smile Upon Your Face

Left on our own, we will often play quietly, without joy, and when our parents return, we show little interest in connecting with them. While these parents are often interested in helping us develop skills, they are at a loss when we are sad or scared. It’s as though half of us, the intellectual part, is supported, while the other half, the emotional, relational part, is neglected. We have gotten so used to constant pressure and the threat of shame that it seems normal to us, but researchers tell us that this kind of emotional abandonment leads to almost constant sympathetic arousal. When we come into relationships as adults, we find ourselves lost and bewildered in the face of intimacy. We may be quite competent in the world, yet struggle to understand why this isn’t enough to make our partner happy. When our partner’s neediness increases, we get freaked out and turn to work as the only source of connection we know. Each of us is unique, and each of our early experiences of connection will be different. But as you read this, you may recognize invisible tendencies that developed very young as you sought to connect with your caregivers. Many ways in which we could.