To Connect And Exchange Information

Entering into a partnership with the energy of our core wounds taking the lead means that rather than choosing a mate who will help us to open up and grow, we are simply using the relationship as another quick fix. Simply put, their beliefs about themselves and the world make them an energetic match for us. For example, if Hunter subconsciously believes I must work hard to earn love, then she will be projecting the energy of this belief into her world, thus attracting situations and relationships that prove this to be true. Our own emotional energy is not flowing freely or being replenished again. As a result of this stagnant energy, we also begin to lack creativity and spontaneity, and can feel deflated, uneasy, and feel unfulfilled. We struggle to access our higher self or to find any kind of spiritual connection or meaning in the whole world. We become disconnected from our intuition and our innate sense of knowing when something is right or wrong for us, making it impossible to make decisions that are in our best interest. Even when we think we are doing something beneficial for ourselves, we may actually be causing more harm. Essentially, we are living in survival mode, and as a result life feels empty of authentic, lasting joy and fulfillment. At first, we may feel distracted or temporarily soothed by the new energy that this new person brings into our life. Maybe, as the relationship inevitably sours, we get some relief from being able to blame our pain on them. But the longer we avoid facing the root cause of this trapped energy and actively working to release it, the longer we will remain stuck in it.

All Or  Nothing At All

All Or Nothing At All

Now let’s compare this with the experience of creating an intimate bond from an emotionally healthy place. When we become conscious of our core wounds, we can recognize what areas of our lives require attention and then heal these wounds with the support of caring others. For example, Rachel begins to feel isolated from her peers. Her job leaves her too tired to get out much, so while she has a partner, there is no real sense of community in her life. She is aware that she often felt this way in her childhood and notices that these feelings are as old as she is. She shares these feelings with her best friend, who is really good at listening without fixing. This keeps her from reacting by running to her partner to fix her, or blaming her partner for her feelings of loneliness. As her Little Me feels met and cared for, Rachel begins to attend to her need for community. Recognizing her own unmet need for community, she takes positive steps to create this for herself. But without this awareness and movement toward healing, her own energy flow becomes blocked or inaccessible to her, and Rachel’s automatic reaction may be to immerse herself more deeply in her romantic relationship. She chooses to spend even more time with her partner, doting on him in the hope that he will give her what she needs in return. She may grow frustrated and resentful when he wants to spend time with friends or go to the gym on his own.

All Together Now

As a result, she becomes depressed and their relationship becomes strained. The second version of Rachel’s story shows a classic example of somebody slipping into codependency, the term used to describe relationships in which one or both partners are focusing on the other’s needs in order to protect themselves from feeling their own pain and fear. Yes, we are interdependent beings and we all need connection with others, but when this connection is based on fear or when our partner becomes our sole source of emotional and energetic nourishment and support, codependency sets in. As a result, we unconsciously attract others who need us, mistaking this for them loving us. Responding from fear blocks the flow of energy and overwhelms our intuition. To help you picture the way energy works, let’s imagine a solid line of energy connecting your head to your heart. Interestingly, this is also the neural pathway that activates when we are in the ventral state and open to safe connection. This line of energy begins above our head, connecting us to the universal energy flow, runs through our brain, and to our heart. When we are centered and in alignment, energy flows easily between these three centers, allowing them to connect and exchange information with one another. When this system is running smoothly, we are able to replenish our own energetic resources by connecting to the inner resources we have developed in our healing. Now let’s say that one of these energy centers has become blocked as a result of an unexamined core wound. Or we knowingly lie to our partner to avoid his or her criticism, creating a tight knot of paranoia in our belly and brain.

Out Of Touch

Perhaps we ignore the calling of our soul for fear of being alone, deaf to our intuition and making life choices that are not for our highest good. In each of these examples, a core wound is being activated, our energy flow has become blocked, and we may begin to rely solely on our partner to regulate our energy system. When we continually only look to an external force to stabilize and give us energy, we lose our center and the relationship will become lopsided. This means that if we enter a relationship placing all our safety in our romantic partner without developing the ability to regulate and charge our own energy system, our relationship will run out of steam. If our only sense of safety comes from the relationship and suddenly the relationship struggles, we’re likely to immobilize our energy system and frantically do whatever it takes to gain access to the other person’s. Now we start giving all this energy away because we’re scared and this leads us to feeling completely depleted.