Everyone Must Find Their Own Way Of Parenting

I read of a father who was sitting in his living room one day. The boy continued his kissing until his father sharply asked, What are you doing?’ The child answered, I’m giving you 50 kisses on your fiftieth birthday.’ Ordinarily, the father would have been touched by this loving act of affection. He ran out of the house, jumped on his bike, and rode away. Later the child was struck and killed by a car. You can imagine the grief, remorse, and guilt suffered by this poor father. These stories tell us several things. We must take advantage of our timely opportunities because they are fewer than we may realize. Our children are growing up. Second, these moments of opportunity do not happen every day. Remember those moments that leave a lasting impression on a child? That moment when Rick tried to kiss his father 50 times was one such priceless moment. If the father had been able to spend those few moments with Rick in a positive way, Rick would have affectionately remembered that time the rest of his life, especially when tempted to act against parental values, as, for example, in the dissident days of adolescence.

That's The Way It Is

However, if Rick had not been killed, he would never have forgotten the pain and humiliation of that moment. In the diary of the father of a great humanitarian was found a description of a day spent fishing with his son. The father laments how the day was a total loss because the son seemed bored, saying very little. The father even wrote that he probably would not take his son fishing again. Many years later a historian found these notes, and with curiosity compared them with the entry for the same day in the son’s diary. The son exclaimed what a perfect day it had been, all alone with his father. He described how deeply meaningful and important it was to him. The Goal of Focused Attention What is it that defines focused attention? How children view themselves and how they are accepted by their world is determined by the way in which this need is met. Without focused attention, a child experiences increased anxiety because everything else is more important than the child is. He or she is consequently less secure and is impaired in emotional and psychological growth. Such a child can be identified in the nursery or classroom. This child is less mature than children whose parents have taken the time to fill their need for focused attention.

On My Word

This unfortunate child is generally more withdrawn and has difficulty with peers. He is less able to cope and usually reacts poorly in any conflict. He is overly dependent upon the teacher or other adults with whom he comes into contact. Some children, especially girls deprived of focused attention from their father, seem to be just the opposite. However, as these girls grow older, this behavior pattern does not change and becomes gradually inappropriate. By the time they are in the third or fourth grade they are usually obnoxious to their peers and teachers. How to Give Focused Attention Now that we’ve seen how vital focused attention is to a child, how do we accomplish it? The best way to give a child focused attention is to set aside time to spend with the child alone. If you’re already thinking how difficult it is to do this, you’re right. Finding time to be alone with a child, free from other distractions, is what I consider to be the most difficult aspect of good child rearing. Let’s face it, good child rearing takes time. Finding time in our hyperactive society is hard, especially when children often are addicted to television and sometimes would rather spend time with it. This is all the more reason focused attention is so crucial.

Why Mess Around?

Children are being influenced by forces outside the family more than anytime. It takes effort to pry time from busy schedules, but the rewards are great. It’s a wonderful thing to see your child happy, secure, well liked by peers and adults, and learning and behaving at his or her best. But believe me, fellow parent, this doesn’t come automatically. We must find time to spend alone with each child. John Alexander related at a conference how difficult it was for him to find time for each of his four children. Everyone must find his own way of doing this. My time during our parenting years was also difficult to manage. I tried to conserve it as much as possible for my children. For example, when my daughter was taking music lessons close to my office on Monday afternoons, I scheduled my appointments so that I could pick her up. Then we would stop at a restaurant for supper. At these times, without the pressure of interruption and time schedules, I was able to give her my full attention and listen to whatever she wanted to talk about. Only in this context of being alone without pressure can parents and children develop that special indelible relationship which each child so desperately needs to face the realities of life. It’s such moments as these that a child remembers when life becomes difficult, especially during those tumultuous years of adolescent conflict and the normal drives for independence. It’s also during times of focused attention that parents can take special opportunities to make eye contact and physical contact with a child. It’s during times of focused attention that eye and physical contact have stronger meaning and impact upon a child’s life. Of course, it’s more difficult to find time for focused attention when there are several children in the family. You’ve perhaps guessed that her parents had not given her focused attention. She had nine brothers and sisters and her parents couldn’t give her the focused attention she needed. With this particular child, because of her age, individual chores, and birth order, the natural course of events prevented her from enjoying enough of her parents’ attention.