All Of Us Need To Feel Loved

Why does he accuse me of that? I ask him what’s wrong and he sits there in silence as though I said nothing. Last night I told him, Mike, we have got to talk. We cannot go on like this.’ He got up and left the room. How long has this been going on? I inquired. It started last Sunday night when I told him that I wanted to spend the weekend at the beach with two of the girls I work with. It would be a good chance for us to spend some time together and relax. Mike went ballistic. He told me that, as a married woman, I had no right going to the beach with girls. He said that if I were going to the beach, we needed to go together. He said, ‘Why would you even want to go to the beach with girls from work? Chapman, I’ve never been unfaithful to Mike. I don’t even have such a thought.

Let Somebody Go

I told him he was being immature and that he had no right to tell me that I couldn’t go to the beach. After all, he spends most Saturdays hunting with his friend. We’re not leaving until Friday after work, and I’ll be home Sunday night. He will hardly even miss me. We went to bed angry that night and since then, Mike has not said a word to me. That was a week ago last night. Has he ever been silent like this before? I asked. Two or three times, she said. But usually just for a day or maybe two. Never this long. Does he talk when you are not having conflicts like this? I asked. Well, he doesn’t talk as much as I do, Jill said.

Let's Work Together

He’s rather quiet, but he does talk. I don’t have any complaints normally. But his silence is driving me crazy. What are you feeling toward Mike right now? I asked. I don’t understand him, she said. I feel that he is trying to control my life. I don’t know why he would do that. I don’t try to control him. Last fall, he went fishing for a week with his friends. I didn’t get bent out of shape. That was fine with me. I think he needs some time with his friends, but I need time with my friends also.

Famous Last Words

Why would he get so upset about my going to the beach with my friends? Do you think Mike would come to see me and talk about this? I asked. He thinks that talking to other people about your problems is a sign of weakness. He has always said that he can solve his own problems. Does he know that you came to see me today? I asked. No, and if he did he would be horrified, she said. They had attended the marriage preparation classes that I had taught, so I knew a little bit about Mike’s personality. I said to Jill, It may be necessary later on for me to talk to Mike, but let’s try something first. Much behavior in marriage is motivated by unmet emotional needs. For example, you came to my office today because of unmet needs in your own life. All of us need to feel loved, but at the moment, you don’t feel that he is loving you. Rather, you feel that he is trying to control your behavior. Another need that all of us have is the need for freedom. Your response was to talk to me about the problem and seek a resolution. I asked her, Does all of this make sense to you? Yes, I think I understand what you’re saying, she said. Now, Mike is also a person who has emotional needs. His behavior can also be explained in terms of unmet needs. He has the need to be loved by you, to feel that he is number one in your life. My guess is that he does not feel that at the moment. He may feel that the women with whom you are going to the beach are more important to you than he is, that you love them more than you love him. He may have used this approach with his parents during his childhood or teenage years, I said. Perhaps his parents caved in to his desires when he gave them the silent treatment. In a marriage, spouses learn to meet each other’s emotional needs. I saw that when we were dating, Jill replied. His mother didn’t like his silence, and she ended up doing what he wanted. Then maybe we’ve discovered a learned behavior pattern in Mike’s life that needs to be changed. The ideal, I said, is to find a way where you can meet his need for emotional love and at the same time maintain your own freedom. In a healthy marriage, spouses learn to meet each other’s emotional needs. To the degree that this is done, a marriage is healthy. And I think what you want is a healthy marriage. Jill nodded. Then I asked her if she knew Mike’s primary love language. We had discussed the five love languages during the premarital classes, and Jill felt confident his primary love language was physical touch. So I asked her to think back over the last month. Chapman, we’ve been so busy that I have to admit I’ve not spoken his language very much in the last month. I hadn’t really thought about it, but I can see now what you’re talking about. Therefore, he is threatened by my going to the beach. Mike, I want you to know that I love you very much. I have been thinking about us a lot since our argument on Sunday night, and I have realized that I have not spoken your primary love language very well in the last few weeks. I think that your opposition to my going to the beach is largely because I have not filled your love tank.