Are You Apt To Be Resentful And Defensive?

Humans can never truly possess anything. Of course, every parent has some possessiveness. An inappropriate way of expressing love is through seductiveness. I have to start out by saying this is a difficult subject to write about because seductiveness is not easy to define. It was also noted that her father spent much time holding the child, caressing and fondling her in such a way that seemed to bring sensual enjoyment to both father and child. When these facts were gently shared with the father, his response was, Oh, my word! I just realized that when I wash the soap off of her when we’re showering together, she reacts like a mature woman. This was a case where the father was obviously seductive. However, he apparently did not fully realize what he was doing. As in almost all cases of this sort, the marital relationship in this family was hurting. In families where the marriage is not healthy, it is not uncommon for seductiveness to exist. In our day, the problem is worsening. What do you think of this letter to Ann Landers which appeared in her syndicated column some years ago? I don’t know if I have a problem or not.

Behind The Mask

I’ve seen girls who are crazy about their fathers, but never anything quite like this. They play with each other’s hands and act kittenish like a couple of goofy kids. She hangs on her father when they walk or their arms are around one another’s waists. Does this sound good or bad? Would you be worried? Sounds to me as if there’s entirely too much touching. Today a girl of 12 is more of a woman than a child. Donna needs to be talked to, but it would be better if the word did not come from you. Perhaps an enlightened relative or an adult friend could tell Donna it is unbecoming and unhealthy for a young girl to have so much physical contact with her father. I believe Donna should be approached rather than your husband. He is apt to be resentful and defensive. It does sound like there is too much physical contact here, and it does sound seductive. However, remember this is the mother’s viewpoint, and the chances are overwhelming that the marital relationship is poor. Genuine respect for parents is hard enough to find today without further undermining it.

Every Thought Is A Battle

Her advice seems to suggest that because the father was conveying his love to the child inappropriately, he should not show it at all. We have already seen how vital physical contact is to a preadolescent girl. This particular father was not doing it correctly. Is the answer to stop the physical contact completely? I’m afraid our society generally accepts this type of reaction. We assume that because some parents are seductive with their children, physical contact should be held to a minimum or actually be avoided for all children. This can happen to any parent, especially fathers of older daughters. So this is indeed a dilemma. On the one hand, the child desperately needs to feel loved and physical contact is essential for this. With this confusion, is it any wonder so few children feel genuinely, unconditionally loved? It’s not infrequent during my work in schools for a teacher to approach me with this concern. Campbell, I love my daughter so very much that I kiss her a lot and sometimes on the lips. Am I making a lesbian out of her? After asking for other information to make sure the relationship was healthy, my answer was, Keep it up. Two Examples Let me give you two other examples.

Emotionally Rescued

But the first example concerns what the absence of it causes. He and his wonderfully warm, sensitive wife have four boys. Rusty decided his boys were going to be like him, tough and rugged men. Your reaction to this is important. How do you think his four sons developed? Do you think they are following in their father’s footsteps? Do you think they’re becoming all men? The last time I saw these boys each one was extremely effeminate. Their mannerisms, speech, and appearance were those of girls. Here’s the second example. Several years ago we had a pastor who was a huge man with rugged features. His very presence demanded attention, and he had a warm, loving heart. His boy at that time was three years old, the same age as my David but a head taller and about twenty pounds heavier, a spittin’ image of his ol’ man. Our pastor loved his son deeply and warmly. He was very affectionate with the boy, lots of holding, hugging, kissing, and wrestling. How do you think this boy developed? Did he follow in his father’s footsteps? That little fellow was just like his own father. He will do all right in this world with a dad like that. Although there is abundant love in their hearts, there is little in practice. I am convinced that once these misconceptions are corrected, and once parents understand what a child needs, most are able to provide the superabundance of appropriate love each child must have. The third most common type of inappropriate love is vicariousness. Vicariousness, or vicarious love, is living one’s life or dreams through the life of a child. One of the most harmful kinds of vicariousness is a mother’s living out romantic fantasies or longings through her daughter. A mother does this by steering her daughter into relationships and situations where she herself longs to be. A clue to this phenomenon is a mother’s obsessive interests in the intimate details of her child’s dating experiences, becoming sensually excited as her daughter reveals them to her. The destructiveness of this process is obvious. A child can be led into situations that she does not have the maturity or life experience to handle. Another frequent outgrowth of this is a degrading reputation for the child. This type of vicariousness can also happen between father and son with similar consequences.