Building Rapport Comes Next

Gyms cheerfully and unabashedly sign up many times more members than they can handle in early January. But what happens when the number of things from that field mysteriously increases and they all come at you with greater velocity and unerring accuracy? For example, an investment banker, conscious of the precariousness of his job, was determined not to buy more house than he could afford as so many of his peers were doing. He waited until his income was secure, and he received a categorical assurance from his boss that he would be the very last person to be laid off in the event of a downturn. Then he bought his big house. In another instance, a senior executive, who had a strong antipathy to one of her colleagues, was finally able to muster enough support to force him out. He joined another firm in a related industry. Less than a year later, that firm acquired hers in a hostile takeover. He became her new boss and promptly fired her. There are upheavals in career prospects, economic climate, and relationship dynamics. Frequently it becomes overwhelming. Even better, you can thrive. When the tsunami hits, you can surf it, and the speed and height are downright exhilarating.

An Everlasting Dream

I floundered a lot until I started following the sage advice given to me by a grizzled veteran. I was trying to establish rapport and build a connection. I was convinced that, in a world with many competent suppliers, relationships were the key to getting the sale. After a few minutes, he cut in decisively, Son, tell me what you have, why I should be interested, how much it costs, and why I should believe you. So I did. Much later I asked him about his style and whether building affinity was important. Of course it is, he replied. But I’m busy and don’t have time to chat with every salesperson trying to build a relationship with me. I don’t even want one with most of them. I just want them to go away quickly. First, convince me that it’s worth listening to you. Then deliver on your promise.

Straight Into Darkness

Building rapport comes next and, in most cases, takes care of itself. How long do you give someone to make his case? I asked. Thirty seconds, he replied. I can sense you, the impatient reader, chafing at the bit. Get on with it, you urge me silently. Tell me what you have to offer, how I can benefit from it, and why I should trust you. I understand and will comply. But you’re not quite sure exactly what success is. You do know that you are functioning far below your capacity, that you can accomplish much more than you presently are. Maybe you can honestly describe yourself as happy. But there is an undercurrent of dissatisfaction in your life, a sense that things could be better, that there is something you need to do. At times you wonder if the path you’re taking through life is the right one for you.

Shades Of Grey

Sometimes you feel as if you are walking on quicksand just fast enough that you are not sucked in completely. Not overwhelmed, but somewhat queasy. You would like stability and something you can depend on. Your relationships are good, but they are not as deep and nourishing as you would like them to be. You have many friends, but there are few you would fight to keep and even fewer who you know with certainty will be in your life a few decades from now. And, of course, you want to find purpose in your existence. You want to know that you matter, that your life is not in vain and your legacy is an honorable one. You are working harder than ever but somehow seem to be accomplishing little. You have friends who you hardly ever see. You buy lots of stuff but notice the enjoyment is just not there. Your children grow up fast while you are away working to support them. Life seems to be passing you by while you strive to make a living. You confuse being busy with doing important stuff. You skip social events because you are too busy. You have few close friends, and they are getting fewer. Wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, you are conscious of time slipping away. You get bored easily. You cannot sit quietly by yourself for a half hour. You know there is more to life but are not clear what it is or how to get it. That feeling of effervescence, that lightness of being, is what you will begin to taste again. Even Robert Browning’s Pippa, contemplating the lark on the wing and the snail on the thorn, will envy you. You will discover that funny, marvelous things happen as you find this wellspring of joy within yourself. Your relationships will improve. Your career will take off. Toxic people will leave your life. I will give you the map and show you the road. But you have to make the journey. Go back and actually do the exercises sincerely and conscientiously. The ideas presented are simple, and it’s quite possible that you know many of the concepts already. But intellectual knowledge and agreement aren’t much use. There is a huge difference between knowing that ice cream is cold and actually tasting it. Talk about your results and observations and discuss what worked, what didn’t, and why. You are embarking on a journey that will take unexpected turns, and there may be rough weather ahead. As with all journeys, it becomes more enjoyable if you have boon companions who can alert you to danger and save you if it strikes. And you, of course, will do the same for them. Engage with it, wrestle with it, turn it upside down and peer into its crevices. If you expend significant emotional energy in this grappling, it will pay for itself tenfold or more in terms of the benefit you derive.