Watching For Unexpected Opportunities Yields Additional Time

A careful parent whose children take priority would consider this time a golden opportunity to give focused attention to that child. We must resist the concept that the loudest squeaking hinge gets the oil. All children have the same needs, whether or not they demand those needs. And if siblings happen to be demanding children, parents will find it all too easy to pass this child by until problems develop. For example, you might find yourself alone with one child while other children are playing outside. Here is another opportunity to fill that child’s emotional tank and prevent problems brought on by a tank that has run dry. Every moment counts. It’s like making deposits in a savings account. As long as the balance is healthy, a child’s emotional life will be sound and the child will have fewer problems. It’s also an investment in the future, especially the years of adolescence. Every deposit is assurance that a child’s teenage years will be healthy, wholesome, pleasant, and rewarding for both child and parent. What’s worse than a wayward adolescent son? Of course, long periods of focused attention are important also.

Failure Is A Bend In The Road

As children grow older, this time of focus needs to be lengthened. Older children need time to warm up, let their developing defenses down, and feel free to share their innermost thoughts, especially about anything that may be troubling them. As you can see, if these times of focused attention were begun early in life, the child accepts them very naturally and finds it much easier to share emotional things with parents. On the other hand, if times for focused attention are not provided, how can a child learn to communicate meaningfully with parents? Again, the stakes are high. What is worse than having a troubled child who can’t share feelings with you? What is more wonderful than for your child to be able to bring anything to you to talk over? All of this is difficult and takes time. But many people I’ve met have shared with me all sorts of ways they have done this. I remember listening to the late Joe Bayly, a Christian writer and publishing executive, talk about this. He marked off definite times on his appointment calendar to spend with his family, and when someone called and asked him to accept a speaking engagement at that time, he politely told the inquirer that he had another engagement. Joe Bayly had another good way to give his children focused attention. He had personal flags for each family member. Each flag was designed to suit the personality of the child for whom it was designated and was given to the child on his or her birthday. Thereafter, it was flown on the flagpole in front of the house on special occasions, for example, subsequent birthdays, when that child would return home after trips, or going away to college.

Too Marvelous For Words

This is an example of indirect focused attention. When Others Are Present We mentioned that focused attention is given when alone with a child, away from other family members. Although this is true, there are times when focused attention must be given with others present. This is especially true when a child is ill, has experienced some emotional pain, or for some other painful reason has regressed. By regressed, I mean he is in poor control of feelings or behavior. The cousin was a very demanding child who overshadowed Tim by taking almost all his parents’ attention. Tim felt displaced by his overpowering cousin, became depressed, withdrawn, and occasionally uncommunicative. However, the cousin clearly continued to dominate each situation when the two boys were present. Next, I advised the parents to give each boy focused attention whenever the cousin was being overly dominant. The parents were able to do this by turning directly toward Tim when it was his turn to speak, giving him full eye contact, and physical contact when convenient, and responding to his comments. Then, when it was appropriately Tim’s cousin’s turn to speak, the parents repeated the process with him. This type of focused attention usually works well only if a child is also receiving ample focused attention alone.

Not Afraid

By the way, I’ve taught teachers these simple principles that have revolutionized their teaching and perceptions toward each child. Focused attention is time consuming, difficult to do consistently, and many times burdensome to already exhausted parents. But focused attention is the most powerful means of keeping a child’s emotional tank full and investing in the child future. Some contend that too much love will spoil a child, while others claim you can’t love a child too much. The confusion in this area often causes advocates of both sides to take an extreme position. Many of the former group are severe disciplinarians, and many of the latter group are overindulgent. The picture quickly becomes clearer. We can then hold to the principle that a child needs a superabundance of appropriate love but no inappropriate love. Possessiveness is a tendency of parents to encourage a child to be too dependent on them. Paul Tournier, noted Swiss counselor, deals with the subject quite well in his article, The Meaning of Possessiveness. He states that when a child is small, dependency is obvious and almost complete. But if this dependency does not diminish as a child grows older, it becomes an obstacle to a child’s emotional development. Many parents try to keep their children in a state of dependence. The child is theirs. They have rights because the child belongs to them. Children must have respect from their parents to be themselves. Every child needs guidance and discipline. It means encouraging children to think, to be spontaneous, to realize they are separate persons who must assume more and more responsibility for themselves. If we parents disregard a child’s right to gradually become independent, one of two things will happen. The child may become overly dependent on us and overly submissive, failing to learn how to live in the world.