We Never See The World As It Is

We never see the world as it is. We always see it as we are. Susan woke up early, as was her wont, and went to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. She relished this first cup in the solitude of the early morning. She noticed that there was a plate, as well as a knife and fork, in the sink. Why doesn’t he rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher? she thought angrily. He knows how much I hate a dirty sink. He just doesn’t care. All of her husband’s manifest faults, from failing to sort his laundry to watching all the football games, flooded into her head, and she picked up the plate with such force that it struck the faucet and broke. He just doesn’t care, she muttered to herself, and her morning tea did not bring any comfort. There were still anger lines on her face when she went to work, and she noticed that her assistant had left the draft of a new proposal on her desk. Why doesn’t he care enough to do a good job? she fumed, and called him in to berate him.

Should I Laugh Or Cry

He was sullen and left work early. When she needed an explanation of an intricate calculation, he was not there, and her boss tartly told her to find out and report back. She worked late and was just turning into her driveway when she noticed that her neighbor was leaving her front door. He was walking across the lawn to his house, and she scowled. She did not like people walking on the grass, especially not now when the yard was freshly seeded. Why don’t people care? she seethed. Susan was a good worker and very diligent, but so many of her colleagues were complaining about her that her boss made her sit down with an executive coach he engaged for her. It was either that or a pink slip. She accepted with ill humor. There’s nothing wrong with me, she stated flatly. It’s just that I really care about things and they don’t. She looked at the coach defiantly.

The Magic Touch

He took detailed notes and said little. When they met again, the coach had done his homework. Did you know that your husband has taken on another job? he queried. He didn’t have time for dinner, so he just grabbed what he found in the fridge and went right off to sleep. She hadn’t known it. You are too wedded to the idea that you care and they don’t, the coach told her gently. What you really mean is that they don’t always do exactly what you want them to do, and you misinterpret this. If you don’t work with me to change your attitude, you may not be with this company much longer. He debated whether to tell her that she might not be married either but decided against it. Susan thought her finicky demands were a sign of her caring and drive for perfection and saw everyone around her through that narrow lens. So does this mean that she has to let go of her standards and accept work she considers shoddy? It does mean that she has to see each occurrence in context. It emphatically means that she cannot label people based on her limited views.

Stop Whispering

It means that she cannot let others’ noncompliance with her demands affect her emotional equanimity. The funny thing about life is that the more you expect the best of people and give them room to be themselves without suffocating them with your expectations, the more they will surprise you. The late Carnegie Mellon University professor Randy Pausch got it exactly right when he admonished listeners of his Last Lecture to never give up on your average person because, sooner or later, they will astonish you. Just start recording exactly what you observe. Do you notice the eagerness in his voice as he tells you about the super movie he saw last night, or do you observe that, once again, he has not made his bed and has come down without brushing his teeth? You meet a stranger at an office party. Do you notice that his shoes are scuffed or that he graciously compliments the waitress and makes her smile? In short, with people and situations, do you focus on their weaknesses and what is wrong, or do you appreciate their strengths and what is right? Most people, including you, do both. What is important is to find out in which direction you are tilting. Pick any person with whom you have an ongoing relationship and do not particularly like. Look for at least two traits in that person that you like and admire. Compliment that person on these traits and be sincere. If you cannot be sincere, don’t do it. Repeat this with other offensive people in your life. See what happens to your life and your relationships with these individuals. Most of them advise you to pick a problem that is troubling you and then craft an affirmation that addresses it. Have you just been fired and are perhaps terrified that you won’t find another job? Affirm that you are the perfect candidate and many companies would be glad to avail themselves of your services. Or affirm that you are fully at peace and the perfect job will appear in your life at the perfect time. Are you concerned about your weight? Affirm that day by day the fat is melting away and you are reaching your ideal body mass index. Do financial worries keep you awake at night? Affirm that you have more than enough money to meet all your needs and add to your savings. Are you seeking a relationship? Affirm that the ideal person is in your life or will be shortly. There is one problem with this approach. For far too many people, it doesn’t work. Maybe you too have tried affirmations of various kinds and seen no result.