I Don't Know How To Help

Other people can get on my case, and I let it roll off like water off a pig’s back, but when my wife constantly criticizes me it is like a dagger in my heart. She is such a negative person, not only toward me but toward everyone and toward life in general. Her life is miserable, and she tries to make my life miserable. I find myself wanting to stay away from the house and not be around her. I know that’s not the right answer. I don’t want to leave my wife. I know she needs help, but I don’t know how to help her. After hearing Daniel’s story, I strongly urged him to seek counseling on how he could become an agent of positive change in his marriage. He countered that the nearest counselor was fifty miles away. I assured him that it would be worth the drive. Two years later, I was greatly encouraged when I returned to Iowa for another marriage seminar and saw Daniel again. Daniel’s first discovery in the counseling process was finding out why his wife’s critical words had been so painful to him.

Watch Yourself

Two factors gave him this insight. The first discovery that helped him came from recalling his family of origin. Daniel’s family had also given him critical words. He could never do anything to his father’s satisfaction. Thus, Daniel grew up with the feeling of inadequacy. As a boy, the record playing in his mind was, When I get to be a man, I will be a success. I will prove my father wrong, and I will receive affirmation from my peers. In adulthood, Daniel had lived out that dream. He was indeed respected by his peers, but the person whose affirmation he most desired, namely, his wife, only echoed his father’s condemning messages. What he had worked all his life to overcome was staring him in the face every day. Her critical words were like bullets piercing the love tank itself. The second insight that helped Daniel understand himself was the discovery that his primary love language is words of affirmation.

Where Life Begins

The thing that genuinely makes him feel loved and appreciated is hearing affirming words. Thus, his wife was speaking a hostile, foreign love language as she gave him condemnation instead of affirmation. Her words stung more deeply because he was suffering from an empty love tank. Her critical words were like bullets piercing the love tank itself. He was emotionally devastated. Daniel also discovered something about his wife’s needs. Debbie was operating out of her own unmet emotional needs. He learned that her primary love language is quality time and that because of the long hours required on the farm and his strong desire to be a successful farmer, he had little time left over for her. In the earlier days of the marriage, Debbie had begged him to spend time with her, to take her to a movie, to attend the church picnic with her, to take a vacation in the summer, to spend two days in the city just having fun. But he had been too busy for such frivolous activities. Now he realized that he had not spoken his wife’s primary love language for years. And he now realized that her critical words were desperate cries for love.

Looking For My Life

With these insights, Daniel said, I was able to take constructive action. I acknowledged to her that I was learning a great deal about myself and about marriage from my counselor. She was shocked the morning I told her that I would like for us to go on a picnic at a nearby lake, he said. She seemed almost incredulous. Nevertheless, when I came in from the morning chores and started taking a shower, she started packing the picnic. We spent three hours together, walking, sitting, and talking. I told her how sorry I was that I had spent so little time with her through the years and that I wanted us to make the future different. She opened up and told me her pain from past years and reminded me of the times she had begged for my attention. Now I did not take these statements as critical but as genuine expressions of her need for love. Toward the end of the afternoon, we found ourselves hugging and kissing. In time, her whole countenance changed. The flow of critical words slowed and then eventually stopped. Now that her own love tank was filled by the quality time she had received from him, it was easier for her to give Daniel the words of affirmation he craved. Daniel went for counseling and our marriage has totally changed. I am excited that we can come to the seminar together this year. I know that I am going to learn some things that will help both of us. The next day as they left the seminar, she said, Now I understand what happened to my husband last year. He got new hope for our marriage. I can hardly wait to get home and apply the things we’ve learned. Daniel and Debbie were on the road to marital growth primarily because Daniel had chosen the high road of reality living. In spite of his negative, hopeless feelings about his marriage, he had reached out for help, had changed his own attitude and behavior, and had become an agent for positive change. He had discovered firsthand that although we cannot change our spouses, our positive actions can have a profound, positive influence on their behavior. The results are often deadly. Physical abuse is any act that inflicts bodily harm or is intended to do so. It may consist of hitting, shoving, kicking, choking, throwing objects, or using a weapon. The severity of physical abuse can range from a slap across the face to homicide. If verbal abuse can kill the spirit, physical abuse can eventually kill the person. Researchers have discovered certain patterns as to when and where spousal abuse occurs.