Love Is The Most Powerful Weapon

I think I have died and gone to heaven. I want to feel close to you again, and I want to join you in parenting. I know that I have a lot to learn about being a father, but I want to be what my children need. I am open to your suggestions on how I can be a better husband and a better father. I hope you can tell by the tenor of this letter that I am sincere. Whenever you have had a chance to read this, maybe we can talk about it. I love you so very much. But Robert knew that he was taking a different approach, and he sensed that he was on the right track. You will note that in his letter his comments were based upon Suzanne’s need for freedom and love. He also expressed his own need to receive love from her. He gave her words of affirmation about her mothering skills, words that he had not spoken in many months. A week later, they did discuss the letter, and he was able to affirm verbally his love for her.

One Step Up

Third, he asked for suggestions on how to be a better husband and father. She agreed that if he were sincere she would be willing to make such suggestions. Her first suggestion was that when he came home at night, rather than making comments about the house, he should find each of the children, give them a big hug, and spend a few minutes of quality time with each child. Then she wanted him to find her, give her a hug and kiss, and they would spend five minutes sharing with each other the kind of day they had. Robert was willing to take this step and, in fact, seldom missed a day. I think I have died and gone to heaven. Suzanne continued to give a suggestion every two weeks, and Robert continued to respond. After two months, he asked her, How do you think I am doing in my efforts to be a better husband and father? She overwhelmed him with her answer. I could not be happier with all the changes you have made. Robert had to admit that her response gave him warm feelings toward her. It had been a long time since he had heard such affirming words. He continued to take Suzanne’s suggestions seriously.

Too Little, Too Late

Most of the things she requested he was able to do. He started giving the children a bath once a week. On Saturdays, he sent Suzanne off to play volleyball with friends for two hours. Before six months had rolled around, Suzanne had decided that she would like to start receiving a suggestion from Robert every two weeks on how she could be a better wife, things that would please him. Robert could not believe his ears, but he was willing to comply with her request. Over the next six months, both of them continued to give suggestions to each other, and each of them continued to make constructive changes. After three days of this, he knew something was up, so he asked what was going on. She told him about her tutoring plan. Robert was incredulous that she would go to that much trouble to do something that he had not yet been bold enough to request. What stimulated this positive change in her behavior? Robert’s understanding of Suzanne’s inner needs and a willingness to change his own behavior. He backed off from seeking to control her behavior, thus giving her freedom. He began to express love in ways that she requested, giving himself to make life easier for her.

I Might Be Wrong

She could now respond to his requests because she no longer felt that he was trying to control her. Her sense of significance and worth was returning because he was affirming her. All of this happened a number of years ago. Robert and Suzanne continue to have a strong, growing, supportive marriage. But when I first encountered Robert, he had no hope that his marriage could ever be this wonderful. He is one of many who discovered that reality living can bring hope into what seems to be a desperate situation. She applied the same principles and took basically the same steps that Robert took. When she further realized that David’s language of love was words of affirmation, she more deeply understood why he had withdrawn from her. She understood more fully how her condemning words had pushed him to his computer. One night Becky apologized for her critical comments and asked his forgiveness. By admitting her imperfections, she was not blaming herself for every failure in their marriage. She also took responsibility for her own attitude and acknowledged how she had allowed her feelings of deep frustration to control her behavior. She determined not to let these emotions continue to control the way she related to David. Thus she had put into action principles one, four, and five of reality living. I have decided that I am going to focus on changing my negative behavior and try to make life more pleasant for you in the future. You are a hardworking man, and you have accomplished many things in your vocation. Most women would be proud of your accomplishments, but I have been extremely critical of you because you have not done the things that I wanted. I never thought I would hear you say that. I thought I was the worst person in the world in your mind. I admit that I have had a lot of resentment toward you. I have not felt that you loved me for a long time and that you were trying to control my life. A week later, Becky asked for his suggestion on one thing she could do to make life easier for him. This set in motion a process that changed both of their lives. When a marriage has been troubled for many years, such reciprocal openness is not the norm.