The Internal Motivation For Your Spouse's Behavior

Most human behavior is motivated by what psychologists call the hidden self. Jeff’s body communicated its need for fluid to his brain, and the sense of thirst motivated Jeff to search for water. Jill cannot see thirst, so in that sense it is hidden from her, but it is no less real. Our motives are hidden from most observers and many close friends, even a spouse. Behavior that is motivated by internal physical needs is probably the easiest to observe and understand. When we are having difficulty breathing, we will drop everything in search of air. When the body is too cold, we find ourselves searching for heat, and when the body is too hot, we search for cool air. But behavior motivated by psychological or spiritual needs is much harder to recognize. Yet understanding such behavior and the basic needs that motivate the behavior is crucial for helping your spouse and your marriage. It’s likely that your spouse’s negative behavior has been a big part of your desperate marriage. Understanding the inner motivation behind your spouse’s unreasonable, illogical, hurtful, and often destructive behavior may give you helpful insight as you seek to take a new approach to your life and marriage. Insight into your own inner self also may help, as you evaluate your own behavior more realistically.

Light Inside

Jill was fairly certain about the motive for Jeff’s behavior because it originated in the physical realm. Remember, though, motives are far less clear in the psychological realm, and most human behavior is motivated by psychological or spiritual needs. In addition, physical and psychological needs often are intertwined. Let’s assume that Jill’s brother, Ted, is also in the room and notices Jeff going for a drink of water. Like Jill, Ted thinks that Jeff is thirsty. I simply can’t take another minute listening to that chatterbox. She is driving me crazy. In reality, Jeff may have an even deeper motivation. Perhaps he feels intimidated by the situation in which he finds himself. Then how can we possibly understand someone else’s behavior? But we can make educated guesses. What is important is to know that all of your spouse’s behavior is motivated by some internal desire or need. In some distorted way, such behavior is meeting a psychological need.

Show Me A Smile

The closer you can come to understanding the internal motivation for your spouse’s behavior, the better equipped you will become to be an agent of positive change in your marriage. If you can help your spouse meet his or her needs in a healthier manner, then you may well see your spouse’s behavior change in a positive direction. Barry complained to me that the biggest trouble in his marriage was that his wife tried to control him. She thinks that she is smarter than I am. It’s her arrogant attitude that makes me so angry, he said. Anytime I disagree with him and share my opinion, he thinks I am trying to control him. I just want to be a part of the decision. This battle had gone on for years before Barry and Sheila came to my office. We explored the motivation behind Sheila’s behavior. She wanted Barry to have the benefit of her input on the topic of discussion. When Barry began to understand these motives, his entire response to Sheila’s behavior changed. He no longer became defensive, angry, and argumentative.

If It Makes You Feel Good

He even began to welcome her input. How did this influence Sheila’s behavior? She no longer had to use such antics to get Barry’s attention. Instead, I want to describe a few of the primary inner drives, needs, and desires that often motivate our behavior. I am using the words needs, drives, and desires as synonyms, all describing those inner compulsions that motivate us to take action. We all feel good about ourselves when we are helping others. On the other hand, much of our behavior is motivated by our desire to receive love. This kind of love is the opposite of loneliness. Much of your behavior, both positive and negative, is motivated by your need for love. Joe has learned from experience that when he speaks kindly to his wife, she tends to reciprocate with loving words and acts toward him. So his words are motivated at least in part by his own need for love. Melanie, on the other hand, complains that her husband does not give her enough time. She often raises her voice and delivers angry lectures to him, accusing him of not caring for her. Why is Melanie involved in such negative behavior? It is her effort to try to meet her need for love. Perhaps it has been successful in the past. Perhaps it will be successful in the future, but almost everyone agrees that it is inappropriate and negative behavior. We must realize that much of our behavior, positive and negative, appropriate and inappropriate, is motivated by an effort to meet our need for love. We desire to order our own lives and not be controlled by another. We want to choose how we live our lives. In a marriage, we want to be free to express our feelings, thoughts, and many desires. We want to be free to choose the goals that we will pursue. This desire for freedom is so strong that whenever you feel that your spouse is trying to manipulate or control you, you tend to become defensive and angry. Your marriage is not likely to return to a state of equilibrium as long as you have the sense that your spouse is trying to control you. Much of our behavior is motivated by our desire for freedom. It will be obvious to most that the need for freedom and the need for love are often in conflict. This is why some men are hesitant to marry. They are wonderful lovers so long as their relationship is at the dating stage, but they are reluctant to make the commitment to marriage because they fear this will remove their freedom.