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We Use Blame As A Defensive Mechanism

on February 06, 2022

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What is the role of blame in relationships? When you find yourself on the receiving end of blame, you feel like there’s nothing you do right, as if everything you do is not enough. Blame can break one’s sense of trust in their partner and replace it with indignation. How can we deal with blame in our relationship? Holding someone responsible for something bad that has happened, or for something that has gone wrong seems to be a way of thinking. This act seems to be part of how we think. Consider some examples. If the husband should show up pretty late, the wife might likely think that the husband doesn’t care, forgetting that traffic might have been unfair with the husband on his way back. Imagine that after getting home from work, you find that the home is still the same way you left it for work in the morning. This means that your wife has not done the usual cleaning. You might conclude that your wife is not doing her enough, forgetting that you have kids at home who could have kept mum so busy that she had had little or no time to do anything else. So you see, the blames often stem from thinking. The couples in the examples above were probably caught in a negative cycle of thoughts and feelings. Again, blaming people seems to be one of the methods of trying to attack someone or make them feel bad.

Left In The Dark

Left In The Dark

Also, we use blame as a defensive mechanism. It can be something we do when we have a feeling that we are not being noticed or cared for in the way we would want to be. And, it can also be something we do because we’re struggling to understand or deal with our own emotions. So in this case, we prefer instead to project them onto other people like our partner. A wife might want to express how she is feeling and she would say something like You are always not listening to me to her husband. We are not saying that blaming your partner is a good thing, obviously, blaming your partner is not a productive way of expressing feelings and it can have negative consequences on the couple’s relationship. This is rather to contextualize it and give some indication as to why we so often tend to blame our partners. Blame remains one of the most common features of miscommunication in relationships. It is one of the toxic features of communication in relationships. It is very often the instinctive response that we present when we’re struggling to face up to our feelings! How Does Mutual Blame Affect Relationships? It does not feel good when you are blamed. And, when we are blamed, there is a high tendency to fight back which might lead to further arguments between the couple. Blame often leaves one frustrated and irritated.

More Than A Dream

It is harmful to relationships and causes most of the problems in relationships. Blame also affects the person who blames another. Constantly blaming your partner can lead to the loss of your status. You may not be open to learning new things and your relationship with your partner and even other people will not grow. If you are always blaming your partner or anyone else for that matter, you could miss the opportunity to change how you think, a change to a real change, you might also miss the opportunity to share just how you are truly feeling, to share your true disappointments, hurts, sadness or fears. If you are always blaming your partner over everything, it means you are not seeing or you do not acknowledge any efforts, not even the tiniest, that your partner is earnestly putting in to make things right, it means you don’t notice when your partner shows how much they care about you or how much they love. The result of this is that such acts will begin to fade into thin air, and the feelings will also be eroded with time. More so, blame does not improve couple communication, and it casts doubts on the partners’ loyalty to each other. In addition, when a partner is always at the receiving end of blame, they may become disinclined to open up about their emotions because they may think that opening up about their emotions to their one partner who always and will end up blaming them again would make them vulnerable. This will create a large gap between the couple in terms of their connection. When the connection is broken, the communication may be affected, and the relationship may be at the brink of a collapse. So what can you do to deal with blame in your relationship? One of the first things to do to get out of blame or to deal with blame in your relationship is to have an open, honest conversation about it with your partner where you tell them just how you are feeling and that you do not want to feel that way.

Pieces Of Dreams

Granted, it might be very difficult to open up on your feelings with someone who blames you, and this might even make you vulnerable to further blames, best not talking about it honestly will not take it away, it will only make it worse for you. It would not be a good idea to present your message as an attack. So the idea is to let your partner know how you have been feeling and the impact it is having on you and the relationship. So whenever you feel criticized, acknowledging this fact might help you have a better understanding of how things got to where they are and what the real problem could be, and so, you might not have to go over the same terrain again. Consequently, if you can express this part of the situation, your partner would be more inclined to speak with you knowing that what you want is a dialogue, not a fight, not an attack.

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