What Helped The Most?

Reality living means that you take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. My husband and I are not separated. We have been married for seventeen years. We have some really big problems that we have never been able to resolve. We’ll fight about them and then make up, and things will be fine for a few weeks. Then we’re back into warfare again. We went for counseling one time for a few sessions, but it didn’t seem to help. I know there must be other couples like us who really want their marriages to work but haven’t been able to find answers. I found out later that Maria was living with an alcoholic husband who, for that and other reasons, was also irresponsible in his work patterns. Thus, finances had been a problem during their entire marriage. I well remember the pain that followed months of trying to do what I thought was right, yet to no avail. I remember the sense of helplessness that overwhelmed me, the recurring thought that I was married to someone with whom I would never have real intimacy.

Better Make It Through Today

The problems seemed so deep and my resources so shallow that I found it difficult even to pursue another approach. But there were answers, and eventually we found them. The pain is a distant memory, but it motivates me to help others who struggle as sincerely as we struggled. One of the rewards of counseling is seeing these kinds of people take responsible steps to deal with genuine problems, to support them in their efforts, and to see the fruit of improved relationships. I am convinced that their successes need a wider audience and that perhaps the steps they took will also give guidance to others. My intended purpose is to give practical suggestions on how to move your marriage from where it is to where you want it to be. Obviously, I cannot guarantee you success, but I can guarantee you the satisfaction of knowing that you have given your marriage your best efforts. Yes, Maria, this one’s for you. Maybe you are one of them. Some of you were happy before you got married and anticipated that marriage would simply enhance your already exciting life. Others entered marriage with a deeply dysfunctional history. Your hope was that in marriage you would finally discover meaning and happiness.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

In every case, a man and woman anticipated that marriage would be a road leading upward, that whatever life had been to that point, it would get better after marriage. Your experience, though, has been that since the mountaintop celebration of the wedding, the road has wound downward. There have been a few peaks of enjoyment and a few curves that offered a promising vista. For a long time, you have lived in the valley of pain, emptiness, and frustration. You live in a desperate marriage. You probably really don’t want to divorce. For many of you, religious beliefs discourage you from taking that exit. For others, the children strongly motivate you to keep your marriage together. Still others find enough moments of happiness or support to keep your hopes alive for a better marriage. You sincerely hope that things will get better. Many of you feel that you have tried to deal with the issues that have kept you and your spouse from marital unity. Most are discouraged with the results.

Breaking The Code Of Silence

If you have gone for counseling, it has not been very productive. Some of you have tried the calm, cool, straightforward method of gentle confrontation. Your spouse has responded with silence. In desperation some of you have tried yelling and screaming. Your pain has been so intense that you have actually lost control trying to express it. In some cases your loud cries for help have prompted your spouse to launch a counterattack. In other cases your spouse has simply withdrawn. What helped the most? The problems with which you and other married couples grapple cannot be solved by quiet parlor talk. Nor do the problems melt under the intense heat of pious platitudes. The problems, like cancer, eat away at the vitality of a marriage. The problems vary from couple to couple, but the intensity of the pain runs deep for all. I also invite you to listen to what people tell me at the marriage seminars I lead across the country. I am under no illusion that I can provide a magic formula to bring healing to all such marriages. However, I do believe, based upon my own experience in counseling, research in the field, and sound moral principles, that there is hope for desperate marriages. I believe that in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in a marriage. In due time spouses can find answers to their problems. For most couples, ultimate solutions will depend not only upon their own actions but also upon the support of the religious and therapeutic community in their city. There is hope for lasting solutions in desperate marriages. Reality living begins by identifying myths that have held you captive. You can break their bonds as you begin to base your actions upon truth rather than myth. It requires you to appraise your life situation honestly and refuse to shift the blame for your unhappiness to others. Look at the following four statements. Answer them honestly with true or false. My environment determines my state of mind. People cannot change. If you answered true to any of these statements, please read on. In fact, all four statements are false. Unfortunately, many people in desperate marriages base their lives upon these commonly held myths. Those who accept any of the myths above will act accordingly, so that their actions become a part of the problem rather than a part of the solution. Let’s look at the outcome of accepting and acting upon each of these myths. My environment determines my state of mind.