Cries And Coos Aren't Random

Being present in person, with no devices in between us, sets us up to hear our kids more fully and to give more of ourselves. When we can do it, we should. So how can you make the most of this conversation? I’ve been inspired by researchers in linguistics, child psychology, and even artificial intelligence.41 Blending the scholarly terms and parents’ insights, I’ve come to see rich talk as having three main elements. You notice what your child needs now, as opposed to yesterday, or last year, or what his sister needs. You encourage him to do the same for you. Through your model, kids learn how it feels to connect deeply, which sets a foundation for making those deeper connections with others. In both cases, recognizing your child’s individuality lets you respond in a way that best matches his or her wants and needs. These needs might not make sense at first glance, or might be easy to brush off. Apparently, the child had never hurt herself and had never seen blood. It wasn’t so much the pain, but the surprise of seeing red on her finger, that startled her. It’s only a paper cut, you might say.

Why Mess Around?

That’s the power of adaptation. It lets you pay close and careful attention, at every age and stage, to how your child is developing, then change tack in response.43 It also lets you be flexible. You don’t get hung up on shoulds, but instead focus on what the moment requires. That doesn’t mean fighting to get a word in. Sometimes it’s the smallest signals that offer the most opportunities. You might show you’re listening through comments like Hmm or Oh, really, showing that what a child says holds your interest and you want her to go on. You might point out something you notice on a daily walk and wait for her to comment. Or you might give your opinion, then ask for hers. You don’t decide on the endpoint beforehand. Your response depends on your child’s, and hers depends on yours. When two things are contingent, they’re yoked together.

Going Round

For instance, say you want to buy a new car but don’t have the money. Your ability to buy the car is contingent on whether you’re able to sell the old one for a good price. In conversation, a contingent response shows you’re emotionally and mentally there. You’re attentive and responsive, even if you don’t give your child what she wants. Say your child says, We don’t have any sugary cereal. You might say, We ran out, or I’ll go to the store tomorrow, or I don’t want to buy Lucky Charms, or any number of responses, depending on how you feel. It’s not about whether you buy the cereal or don’t. Without it, you may end up missing what your child means or leave her feeling lost. Say your child asks a question and you give a long explanation, then say, Okay, hope you got it. While your answer is perfectly fine, she doesn’t get the chance to clarify her question or say she’s confused. Instead, if you talk a little, then check in, or ask what she thinks first, you let the conversation teach you about what your child needs, as much as it teaches her. You’re both actively listening and open to new perspectives.

Nothing Can Be Done

The learning goes both ways. What exactly should you talk about? Most often, the answer is right in front of you. Often, you don’t need to search for what your child cares about. He might be begging you to talk about his new Lego construction, his video game set, or his dance moves. At other times, it takes attention to notice. Say he comes home each week from soccer practice grumpy, even though he scores a lot of goals. Maybe he’s jealous of his teammate who scored even more goals, or he’s exhausted or has stopped enjoying the game. Or you ask how he feels, rather than assuming he must feel good. Starting with his perspective primes you to reach him at his level and work with his energy. From the outset, he’s more interested and more likely to connect. Even if he’s not talking yet, you can base your conversation on what he seems interested in, attracted to, or scared of. Your baby looks at something, and you follow his gaze and respond by pointing or describing what he sees. He coos, and you comment that he sounds happy. He shrieks and you see what he needs, while noting how upset he seems. As her senses heighten, she’s increasingly drawn to exploring her world. The better she can see and hear, the more she wants to explore. As you observe her, you put words to her joys and frustrations as you imagine them. You reflect on her feelings and thoughts, then voice your ideas out loud. This ability is known as mentalizing, and it’s a powerful component of conversations, especially before kids can talk. Mentalizing means recognizing that even a young child can think and feel. Cries and coos aren’t random. Instead, you’re open to hearing what your child says and feels, and you’re encouraging her openness. You gently challenge a child’s beliefs and assumptions in a way that lets her question them without feeling judged. That lets her grow more independent in her thinking and her relationships. She learns not only to learn, as in take in facts, but how to learn, in a way that honors her own style and needs. She picks up on what you’re feeling and explores why. When you’re upset, she learns how to respond in a way that helps, or to ask questions that help her understand. And she grows to understand the nuances of others even as she learns more about herself. Your interaction feels good in the moment. You might have clarified a misunderstanding, worked out a frustration on your part or your child’s, resolved an argument, had some insight, or even simply enjoyed each other’s company and made each other laugh.