The Process Of Working Through Arguments

When’s the last time you had a great conversation with your child or children? I don’t mean a philosophical discussion, but one that intrigued or surprised you, that left you both wondering or curious. One that helped you understand each other better, brought you closer, or resolved an argument. Or one that simply let you relax and enjoy each other’s company. I mean a conversation when you weren’t talking about undone homework, clothes on the floor, the next day’s school and sports schedules, who’s picking whom up, or any number of other mundane logistical details. How was the birthday party, did he enjoy the playdate, did the math test go well, or did he win the baseball game? If you can think of one great conversation, try to come up with more. Remember them in detail. How recent were they? How often do they happen, as compared with the mundane ones? If you struggled with that exercise, don’t feel bad. You’re far from the only one. Most of us talk with our kids every day. We listen if our kids are complaining or excitedly talking our ears off. We work to be patient. We’re all trying our best.

Get That Feeling

And yet our conversation is often trivial or mundane. We focus on getting points across but pay less attention to how we’re talking, or how kids are hearing what we say. That stretch is where the surprise happens, where kids feel challenged, where we feel intrigued or engaged, and where we often end up laughing out loud. Instead, with the best of intentions, we’re often focused on making sure our kids are successful in the short term. So many conversations revolve around scheduling rides, planning events, or asking about homework, birthday parties, sports outcomes, and grades. It’s about getting things done for today and ready for tomorrow. It’s about making sure balls aren’t dropped and tasks are completed. Yet, when we leave behind deeper conversations, we miss out on the chance to help kids truly relate and succeed, both now and in the long term. Success isn’t the same thing as performance. Truer success comes not only in winning soccer games and scoring well on tests, but also in building skills like empathy and creativity that will serve kids in the moment, and for years to come. Really, if we want to raise thriving kids and build lasting bonds, it’s those conversations we most need. What’s more, those are often the conversations kids are longing for, even if they don’t always say so.

Life Will Humble You

All kids, at every age, want to be heard and understood. Why Does Conversation Matter? A great conversation with your child offers a double promise. First, it helps you relate and connect in the moment in ways that almost nothing else can. In the moment, listening and talking in ways that let a child feel understood primes you to have a close, caring bond. When he feels respected, he is more likely to respect you. He asks deeper questions and shows more curiosity, since he feels you’re on the journey alongside him. And, afterward, you both have a better sense of where the other person is coming from, especially if you don’t see things similarly. When you offer this model of how to listen and talk in responsive ways, he’s far more likely to learn those skills himself. He’s also more likely to open up and share more of his real passions, interests, worries, and fears. You might not give him everything he wants, but you understand his hopes and wants. With your relationship as a strong base, he’ll have an easier time socializing with others. As a result, your relationship feels smoother and more joyful, and your connection grows.

Despite Repeated Warnings

The second promise has to do with the long term. When you have quality conversations, you stretch a child’s language skills, helping her expand on her initial ideas, ask deeper questions, and make the most surprising creative leaps. That builds her vocabulary, but far more. In the most profound ways, talk lets her map her mental and emotional landscapes. She’s also better able to empathize with others, as she sees that everyone is on a journey, and each person, adult or child, has his or her own unique gifts. She’ll learn how to learn. She’ll learn to empathize deeply, become more confident and independent, build closer social bonds, and grow more playful and creative, more welcoming of differences among people, and more aware of her own and others’ temperaments. Once developed, these skills let her become more compassionate, thoughtful, and understanding. She blossoms, becoming a better thinker and learner and a better friend. She learns to relate more easily, celebrate her own and others’ quirks, and compromise in ways that meet everyone’s needs. And she does so in a way that builds your bond. That bond strengthens through the process of working through arguments, making sense of disagreements, even noticing and responding to negative thoughts. It’s not about perfection or constant happiness. The best part is that you can start early with these conversations. There are principles and conversational habits you can use from the time your child can talk, and even before, all the way through the young adult years. You won’t use the same words or tone, and you may not even discuss the same topics, but the underlying principles stretch through the ages. If all this sounds difficult or tedious, think again. They let each person express his or her individuality in a way that celebrates uniqueness and quirks. I was inspired to see how many great conversations were happening, often under the radar. Afterward, on the car ride to school, Sasha kept grumbling. My friend asked her, What six things would you take to the moon? Sasha answered, then countered with, What would you take, if you were traveling on a submarine? Their car ride ended with laughter and a few creative lists, instead of their usual frustration. Sasha left for the field trip feeling happy and connected instead of stressed.