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Creating An Online Business

on May 27, 2022

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The energy held the intention to break us. When I was nine months’ pregnant with my second child back in 2005, he would go out drinking all night with his work buddies and forget to take his house keys with him. He did this at least twice more. I’d intentionally take my time to get to the door and then point him toward the couch for him to sleep on, because the stench of alcohol was so overbearing. I’m not proud of it, but one night, I was having mild contractions, and because I was unable to drive, I relied on him to be able to take me to the hospital if the baby decided to arrive early. Shamefully, as a grown woman, no matter how vengeful, underestimated, or hurt I felt, it still didn’t give me an excuse to behave in this way. When my words didn’t work, I turned to actions. And sometimes my own violent actions were fueled by rage. I believe we were trying to keep each other small. His verbal abuse would make me question myself at every turn. It was underhanded and spiteful. And it worked, because I truly believed that I was broken and would never amount to much if I was all on my own out in the world.

Keep Talking

Keep Talking

I hadn’t been to a regular job in nearly nine years. My husband was the breadwinner, and because child care cost so much money in Australia, it didn’t make sense for me to work just to be away from the kids all day. He was always dreaming of the day when both children would be at school so I could go and get a job in a coffee shop to finally contribute to the household. This was a fair request, but I never felt like he acknowledged the hard work I did in our household, such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, and raising our two children while he was at work for fifty hours a week and returned home to a hot meal and clean, folded underwear. In my heart of hearts, I always felt like I had bigger plans because my entrepreneurial spirit was consistently calling for me to step into the greatest version of myself. In truth, I was so scared of being on my own even though I had felt so lonely and isolated for most of the time we were married. I was scared of breaking free, I was scared of leaving my marriage, I was scared of being alone with myself. In fact, being alone was the most terrifying aspect of the whole ordeal. The bottom line was that I was afraid to change, because any change that I tried to manifest was met with intense resistance within my heart. I had a laptop and an internet connection, and I was committed to learning everything I could about creating an online business. I felt intuitively that creating an online business based on my love for teaching spiritual concepts was the key to my freedom. Along the way, I started using Twitter.

No Second Thoughts

This was in the days before it was picked up by mainstream media and utilized by news outlets. This was where my passion for teaching spirituality really started to blossom. I felt safe, understood, and seen. I started to feel a little less lonely too, which was nice. Actually, it was called a tweetup instead of a meetup. I asked my husband to babysit for the evening so I could go and meet the strangers on the internet I had been connecting with. I walked into the bar. It was somewhat smoky and crowded with unfamiliar faces. In the corner was a guy I had shared a few tweets with named Howard. He had green eyes the color of aventurine and seemed friendly. He waved me over to sit next to him, and we felt instantly connected. There was a vague hint of familiarity that I was intrigued by.

Like A Runaway Train

Since we clicked and hit it off, he asked me if I wanted to meet up for a coffee or go out for lunch sometime. I didn’t think it would be a date, because I had a wedding ring on my finger and had mentioned my husband several times during our conversation. And since I had just met the guy, I wasn’t going to spill my guts about how bad my marriage was. All I knew is that I liked this guy and it felt really natural to want to spend more time with him, so I did. For the first time in my adult life, I felt like I was being truly seen by someone. In reality, it was because I was starved of flowing conversation, natural chemistry, and masculine attention due to different levels of shame manifesting in every intricate corner of my marriage. Hey there, darling, just checking in. I want to stay out a few more hours to see if I can get some more wholesale orders. Is that okay with you? I lied, and I sounded convincing. There was a tremor of excitement in my voice from the nervousness of not telling the truth. An hour later, I was feeling smooth sheets against my bare skin in Howard’s bed. And then when I returned home, the dark shadow of shame hung over my head like a cloud that wouldn’t go away. Everywhere I went, there was the shame, and it didn’t leave me until many years later. I felt like a coward. We were in our bedroom, and he knew something was wrong. I could see it on his face. He was sitting on our bed, and I was leaning up against the wall by the dresser. You know you can tell me anything, right? He sounded sympathetic, but it felt like a big trap. Did you overspend your budget again this month? You didn’t sleep with someone else, did you? He said it jokingly, but there was a hint of curiosity and knowing.

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