It's About Trusting That Your Sense Of Self

Hours before I was to walk down the aisle, I removed the plastic wrapping around the dress, and, to my utter shock, discovered that the zipper had been completely removed! This was a bride’s worst nightmare! I had the most exquisite dress that had been tailored to my body, and now it was broken. Actually, it was very uncharacteristic of me to be so calm in such a moment of chaos. I knew that there was no benefit to arguing with reality, so I started to think who could help. Thankfully, my lady of honor, Dallyce, and also my dad always traveled with a sewing kit. Dad was always great with repairs and stitching the hems on my school dresses, so I knew he was the right person to sew me into my dress. It took a little over one and a half hours of Dallyce threading the white cotton and Dad making careful stitches with the needle that would look natural on the back of my bridal gown. I will cherish this memory of devotion, support, and dedication for the rest of my life. Something that was broken, or felt so broken, actually turned out to be the most beautiful blessing in disguise. This reminds us of the opportunity in pain, suffering, inconvenience, or sadness to rise up and believe beyond what we can see. The more you embrace remembering that you will be okay, the higher you rise and the faster you heal. It may feel that way, but it’s about trusting that your sense of self goes through cycles just as the seasons change from winter to spring. Your pain always has the option to turn into power.

The Take Off and Landing of Everything

I used to think that being broken or having a story of suffering was like wearing a badge that would lead to being more accepted by people. The truth is that I was looking for love and belonging. This is quite often from where feeling broken and making foolish choices with unintended consequences stems. We deflect our pain onto others or seek approval in unconventional ways. As an example, each day back in 1993, I took the bus to school. There was this one boy on the bus named Leo. He had the band name Metallica written in bubble writing on the bottom of his schoolbag. He had long brown hair and brown eyes and wore tattered friendship bands around his wrist. The only thing was that he was seventeen, and I was just thirteen. I really hoped with every ounce of my soul that Leo would sit next to me on the bus ride home each day. When he did, we would speak about so many interesting things, and he really felt like a kindred spirit. I would sketch pictures of skulls and flowers and he would comment on how good my drawings were and how they would make rad tattoos.

Feet in the Clouds

Leo had a heart of gold. He was kind, and sweet, and we would chat about heavy metal bands we liked, and I would sell him cigarettes that I’d stolen from my parents. I know, it sounds bad. My parents smoked like chimneys and stockpiled so many cigarettes that they didn’t know how many they smoked each day, but one was always alight. I thought that I was doing them a health favor and making a little money on the side. I kept the stolen cigarettes in a tin that had pictures of kittens on the side of the box. I knew in my heart that there was no hope of Leo wanting me to be his girlfriend anytime soon and that he just saw me as a little sister. However, then the day arrived that I had been hoping for. He handed me an invitation to celebrate his eighteenth birthday at his house. I was so overwhelmed with excitement and anxiety that my stomach hurt. There would be no way my parents would allow me to go, and I wasn’t even going to ask them. My meticulous plan was to have my friend Beth stay over for the night.

Theme For A Dream

And that’s what we did. The country roads were unlit, and so every time a car drove past, we hid behind a tree. Beth and I were just thirteen years old, but this was the most exciting thing we had ever done in our lives, and it was thrilling. We arrived at the party, and I handed Leo his gift. I’d made him a drawing and bought a mini lava lamp, and then he hugged me! I wanted to marry him at that moment. There were teenagers everywhere making out, dancing, and drinking beer. Beth and I were just keeping to ourselves, and then I saw a familiar pair of headlights charge down the driveway. I heard that sound, and I felt like I was going to be sick. I knew my dad had found us. The door slammed, and he marched over to me with the full force of his anger and concern. What do you think you’re doing with my daughter? my dad said to Leo. He was pointing right at his face. Poor Leo had no clue what was going on, as most of the kids that shared the same bus route with us were invited to the party. You are going to boarding school, young lady! He was fuming with rage. Apparently, he had found the invitation to the party that I had kept in my cigarette tin with the kittens on it. Beth and I got in the car feeling very remorseful, and my dad drove us home. We were in very big trouble. I felt so embarrassed, and I felt broken. All I wanted to do was spend time with this cute older boy, and I had no idea it would land him in such trouble. The next evening, Leo and his parents called my dad to apologize. It was the right thing to do, and I believed it showed amazing character.