Why Are You Always Crying?

Simply physically rejecting you, neglecting you or abandoning you is enough to create a lifetime of shame, beginning in your childhood. Abusers are selfish people who often mistake selfishness for strength. My mother always felt like she had the power in our relationship. Even though I was young, I could see a really weak person behind her anger and abuse. Honestly, I really did not like my mother while growing up. In fact, I hated her and always thought she was selfish. My dad was also very selfish. It is bad enough having one selfish parent, so it was hell for me to have two. We had little money for food, but it never stopped them from buying their cigarettes. Tasked between feeding their starving child or buying their precious cigarettes, they chose their cigarettes every time. My mother would hide lollies in her bedroom drawer that were for her only. My father would gamble the last bit of money not spent on cigarettes, always deluding himself into believing he would win the next big one.

Enough Is Enough

Unfortunately, that big win never came. My parents, like all serial abusers, knew they were being evil, but they carried on nevertheless because their ego survival was dependent on destroying others to feel better about themselves. It didn’t matter if the person they destroyed was a vulnerable daughter desperately needing the stability of a nonabusive parent. Like all other abusers, my parents would abuse me severely but could not stand the thought of themselves as abusers. So what did they do? They used the classic abuser trick of gaslighting and projecting. To do this, abusers tell you that you are not good enough. For many of us, we were often picked on as children for things that really didn’t even make sense. Like being constantly shamed for being a tomboy if you were a girl. Or being shamed for being chubby. Maybe you were shamed for not being masculine enough as a boy or for being too empathetic towards others. If I did not win, I was told everything I did was wrong. My parents would berate me verbally for hours, not caring how their words were affecting me.

Make That Connection

I was too afraid to stand up for myself. Shame is one of the most powerful weapons for an abuser because it is so effective. People don’t even need to use words to shame you. As a child, you cannot understand why a parent would abandon or neglect their own offspring. So there must be something wrong with you that repels them. Since our brains are wired to scan for threats that we might be kicked out of the group, our brains suck up negative messages that others tell us about ourselves. It refuses to let you forget because it wants you to change and become exactly who the community wants you to be. Your brain believes if you just change and become who they want you to be, they will finally accept and love you. Now, of course, this worked in the past to keep us alive. Presently, we are no longer dependent on the acceptance of other humans to stay alive. But our brains refuse to believe so. The human brain may be a fascinating computer, but some of its apps need to be seriously debugged and updated.

Do It Now

This is the psychology behind why we feel an overwhelming desire to fit in, not just as teenagers, but at every stage of our lives. If you just change and become who they want you to be, they will finally accept and love you. Every day you wake up, your brain tells you the same comforting lie in the face of abuse. In fact, your abusers tell you the same. Abusers cannot stand to see themselves as abusers. They are also operating as human beings with the same brain and nervous system as yourself. Therefore, they cannot bear the shame of knowing they abuse others serially. They justify their abuse by telling themselves that you deserve it. In domestic abuse situations, the abuser always tells the victim they wouldn’t hit them if the victim did not provoke them. The abuser literally projects their own inadequacy onto you by telling you that you deserve the abuse. Therefore, if you weren’t so fat, your mother wouldn’t have picked on you. Why are you always eating? This is why we can never find clothes that fit you. You won’t be able to find a good husband looking like that. Notice in this scenario that she eschews all responsibility for your health as your main care provider. On the other side, your dad might tell you he is just doing what is best for you. If I don’t toughen you up, you won’t be able to survive out there in the cold world. Why are you always crying? What kind of sissy boy cries all the time? You can’t even defend yourself against your bullies by fighting back. Why are you always wearing those short skirts? Men don’t like girls who dress like that. Your childhood brain, not yet developed, believes your parents are just calling it as they see it. And this simple belief in our parents causes the voice of shame to become the voice of truth in our lives. This truth follows us our entire lives. If your parents told you that you are loved regardless of who you are or what you do, your inner voice calls you beloved. You go out into the world fully armed with and defended by this love. You are filled with your parents’ love and so you are able to give back love to others. You are able to act in ways that cause normal human bonding and attachment with others. Those of us who were told we are not good enough, regardless of who we are or what we do, our inner voice calls us shameful. We go out into the world fully armed and defended against love.