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Why Did I Feel So Pulled To Go?

on June 04, 2022

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I had no idea what I would do next, but whatever it was, it would require extensive education on how to actually run a business. I was terrified, to say the least. Committing to two weeks in rural Kenya with no access to medical care in a malaria ridden country didn’t sound appealing. So why did I feel so pulled to go? Almost two years later I am only beginning to understand the answer to that question. It all began in a in a village called Butere in Western Kenya far away. I got out of bed, got ready, and went down to breakfast, which was being served in a grass pavilion outside of our guest house. Jambo! I think I cheerfully said to anyone who would listen. After eating fruit and scones and something that looked a little like sausage, I joined the seven other women and four Kenyans in our group heading to the service in the compound. I could hear music coming from the doorway. The air was humid and warm, but not yet hot. The benches were wooden and hard, and the big open chapel was draped in purple and gold satin. My new friend Moses, a Maasai warrior, was sitting next to me, so I grabbed my phone and said, Smile! and took a picture.

Feeling Too Much

Feeling Too Much

It was at that moment that something inside of me shifted. I had a flood of information downloaded into my brain, and suddenly I knew that I knew him. Do I know him? I asked myself. You do, I answered back. That same experience happened a few more times over the following two weeks as I connected with people. Everyone seemed familiar, especially the Maasai people. I knew that I wasn’t the only one having this experience. Several of the women in our group were having the same reaction. It felt as though we were called there. Twenty months later, I know this to be true. I have spent more time praying, crying, weeping, wailing, begging, pleading, and accepting His will during this time, than at any time in my life, and that is saying something. He has sometimes been vocal, and sometimes silent, just letting me go through the refiner’s fire as He molds me into the person He needs me to be.

Black And Blue

It had been 18 months, and for at least six months I had been kicking against the pricks, so to speak, about what I wanted my future to look like. It was late 2010 when I lit my hair on fire and started a business with two partners. Between us we had more than 30 years of experience in technical recruiting, surviving the dot com bust and the 2008 bust and whatever busts had happened in between. Shortly before we launched, we collectively closed $300k in business at our previous company, so we had every reason to believe that we were going to rock this whole thing and come out zillionaires. We met on a weekly basis, building out a comprehensive business plan, discussing the clients we would go after ad nauseum, and picking titles. Just what is a Chief Operations Officer, anyway? What operations was I the chief of? I really had no idea what I was doing. That being said, I was determined to have my own business and try my hand at entrepreneurship, so I jumped in with both feet. I quickly closed $30k in business to get us started and we were on our way. The problem with being an optimist and starting a business is that I forgot that in order to have a business I needed to know how to run a business. I also neglected to ask my partners if they knew how to run a business. Turns out, not so much. Or maybe our diverse personalities just didn’t know how to run a business together.

The Big Picture

Whatever the reason, it wasn’t working. It was held at a local hotel, and there were about 150 in attendance. It involved at least eight different speakers, and while it was mostly a pitch fest with stuff for sale at the back of the room, there was sharing of great content, and I came away from it with some amazing friends, who are still in my life four years later. My partner, on the other hand, was totally checked out. In fact, he said, I already know this stuff, when I wanted to discuss it with him. He left after four hours on the first day. That should have been my warning, but it wasn’t. I’m not great with warning signs. I choose to believe in people long past their expiration date. That has both helped me and hurt me, as you will come to find out. So there I was, in November of 2011, with no job and no business, and I had just walked away from about 20k that was owed to me in back salary. In fact, one of my partners had said, I don’t think you should be taking a draw, because you aren’t supporting a family. Double ouch that I believed him. And so began my journey to discover my own value in the business world. I’ve always been the wind beneath your wings sort of person. I’m the mastermind behind the guru, the support team, and the connector. I was sure it was what I would do for the rest of my life! She promised that we would travel the world, serving women and families. She promised me a trip to Africa to meet the native women who would meet under the Wisdom Tree. My friend Becky Mackintosh, who also worked for the organization, and I would talk about sitting with African women together under that tree. In 2013 when I finally realized that the organization was a house of cards ready to fall because of the lies, I was devastated. We were always waiting for the investment money to come in so that we could all get salaries, a promise that never materialized.

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